


Shiro without

by crazykotyara



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Autistic Keith (Voltron), Identity Issues, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 08:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13314432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazykotyara/pseuds/crazykotyara
Summary: Keith doesn't know where he is. Shiro doesn't know who he is.





	Shiro without

"Keep hold of my hand if you're afraid."  
"Raise your hand if you know the answer."  
"Shake hands, you two."  
"I'll give you a hand."  
"Here, give me your hand."  
Words are thrashing inside his head, pounding on the inner skull, being mixed up. What is it? Flashes of dreams? Shreds of memories? When you try to catch it, it just shatters. When you try to remember, everything becomes obscured by the fog. It seems he has to try just a little bit harder to recall what, when and where was told to him. One last little effort, and his memory will return. Just reach out your hand and...  
 _Reach out your hand and...  
hand  
and_   
He is drowning in the purple mist. Shiro doesn't have a hand.

***  
"You need to think about whether or not you are in the right place."  
Keith is not in the right place. It doesn't seem that strange or unusual - Keith feels like he is not in the right place since childhood. The world rejects Keith just as much as Keith himself rejects the world. It's like there was some desynchronization when he was born, and now there is no way to fix the gap between him and the rest of the world.  
It's hard for Keith to live, to communicate with people, and countless things, that are natural for everyone else, simply can't be understood by him even after hours of trying to figure out what is he doing wrong. Everything is too fragile: things are breaking in his hands, and he is far too wild to not scare people away. Too impulsive, Keith soon found himself in some sort of vacuum. It's comfortable here, no need to hold back anymore: sound cannot travel in a vacuum, so his screams won't be heard, and this is right, and it's easier, and he is in the right place, because people are complicated, and as a human being he is broken or  
defective  
(or not a human at all?)  
 _or maybe you just need a special handling, Keith?_   
It all changes with having Shiro in his life.  
Shiro doesn't think that Keith is strange or defective. Shiro doesn't think that Keith has _discipline issues_ . Shiro doesn't judge him at all - he is just there for him, as if Keith hasn't built up this wall of vacuum around himself and doesn't remind a thorn bush. Shiro is confident and reliable, and Keith is calm when he is with Shiro, because Keith knows that Shiro won't break or turn his back on him just like  
(his parents)  
everyone did, and Shiro always can help him if Keith is confused or  
lost  
 _we lost contact with the Galaxy Garrison mission_   
Keith is lost in the world not when he gets kicked out of the Garrison and not when he gets over in the godforsaken shack. Keith is lost in the world when he loses Shiro.

***

Shiro has living nightmares every time something reminds him of the capture. As for his bad dreams, these dreams are colored in sinister purple, and at some point the color itself hurts Shiro even if he just looks at it. His right hand is  
(not his hand anymore)  
a prosthetic, and he should consider himself lucky - not only he is not a cripple, he actually has some sort of advantage in battle, and his mechanical fingers are moving so smoothly that he sometimes forgets he lost his hand, he forgets  
 _forgets again  
forgets_   
Shiro forgets who he is  
"I'm a Paladine of Voltron"  
and where he is, and when he wakes up at night, tearing himself out of nightmare's tentacles, he feels suffocating panic. His hand glows purple, and maybe it's not his hand, and sometimes Shiro is not even sure if it's his body and  
 _"Operation Kuron stage one successful."_   
if he is Shiro at all.

***

Keith pilots the Black Lion and now everything is even worse than before.  
Everything was fine for a while. Sure, there were some problems like their struggle against a bloodthirsty despot, trying to enslave the whole universe, but at least the goal was clear, and Keith knew what he had to do, and he knew who he was:  
team member  
the Red Paladine  
Shiro's right hand.  
 _Shiro's hand_   
Shiro returns without a hand, gray hair falling across his forehead and a scar is on his face, but he returns, he is alive, and finally there is the complete silence - no more " the whole crew is presumably dead" in his head.  
Being captured by Galra, Shiro loses his hand, his memory and his mental stability, but it's still Shiro Keith  
 _(loves)_   
knows.  
Keith watches how Shiro commands, calm and collected. At times, he freezes, eyes looking glassy, mechanical fingers squeezing, but then the delusion is gone: Shiro blinks, smiles, and everything is the same: Shiro's past, Keith's origin, all seems unimportant. What is important is that they defend the universe and that Shiro is their leader, and Keith is with him  
 _Shiro is their leader_   
leader  
"I'm not the leader Shiro thought I was!"  
But Shiro is gone, he is gone again, and Keith is in despair, he loses the ground under his feet, and he is falling, falling into abyss, into black(Lio)ness, and there is nothing there, because there is no Shiro.  
When Keith had managed to find his place, he thought that there is nothing worse than not being able to find it. But know he knows how wrong he was. Keith isn't just in the wrong place. He had taken someone else's place.  
It's obvious, it's painfully obvious, and Keith can't understand why others don't want to accept it, why are they willing to give the leader's place to him, why are they willing to give Shiro to oblivion.  
How they give up that easy? It seems like a betrayal to Keith. They can't pretend that their team can exist without Shiro, because Shiro does not exist anymore, because  
 _his place is next to Shiro, and if there is no Shiro, then there is no Keith_   
Keith isn't meant to be a leader and he can't lead others  
 _(traitors)  
(what is this if not betrayal?)_   
And Keith in the Black Pilot's seat is the biggest traitor of them all.  
Keith pilots the Black Lion, because he knows that it is his duty, and this is what Shiro wanted, and there is no other way, and he has to  
 _has to  
but why?_

***

Is Keith avoiding him or is he avoiding Keith?  
Shiro isn't sure, now he is not sure in everything related to relationships with people. It all goes seemingly well, but he still feels himself cut off of the rest of his team, as if he is now disconnected from them just like he is disconnected from  
(Keith)  
the Black Lion. Like he was gone for the really huge amount of time, for ages. Shiro wants to ask Allura how did she felt when she realized how long was her body in the cryo tube, thrown from the time flow. But the words are stuck in his throat. He is disconnect from Allura as well.  
Maybe, he disappeared too often. You can't just pull up a branch and then duct-tape it back like it's never happened. Broken wholeness can't be fixed that easy, especially if you are talking about problem for which soul connection played such a big role.  
Maybe Shiro just didn't understand what's going on anymore. Where is he right now? Among his friends? Or among his hallucinations?  
Maybe it's all unreal  
 _or Shiro is unreal_   
and Shiro didn't know how to find it out. Nightmares are back, and he wakes up in the middle of the night, dripping with sweat, crying for help. But who can save him?

***

Shiro is back, but everything remains unclear. It's all too mixed up, their plans are in a mess, their roles are in a mess. Lance  
(wants to leave the team)  
pilots the Red Lion, Allura pilots the Blue, and Shiro stays alone, giving way to Keith as if it's just how it's supposed to be, as if he is still gone  
 _or can be gone again at any momemt._   
The whole world is just a total mess, and Keith does the only thing he knows how to do: runs away, trying to hide in his vacuum. There is only him and his missions with the Blade of Marmora  
(the only thing Keith knows for sure is his origin, the rest appeared to be delusional too many times)  
and there is no Shiro.  
Shiro isn't with him, he was away for too long, and Keith wants, he really does, but he can't make himself believe that he can return to Shiro, that he can be his right hand again, because now Shiro has a hand, and even if it's  
a prosthesis  
Lance  
and even if it's flight, a retreat, Keith is too tired - tired of trying to understand what he is supposed to do and where he is supposed to be. It's just like his childhood, but now he isn't a thorn bush, now a thorn bush is in his chest, and every single thought, every single movement is so painful, and Keith doesn't know if there is an end to all of this. Keith is tired of this pain.  
Keith is tired of Shiro.  
Keith is tired of loving Shiro.  
But when in the middle of the night - all normal people are sleeping, but Keith isn't normal, and Shiro, apparently, isn't normal as well - Shiro knocks on his door, Keith opens it, although more than anything else he wants to  
 _(be in a different place)_   
ignore this knock.

***

Shiro wants someone to tell him that he is real. Shiro wants someone to prove his existence, to prove that he didn't die on Kerberos, that his hand is still his hand, and that Shiro is still Shiro, and if anyone can do this, than it has to be Keith, because Keith was always  
(in love with him)  
there for him, and Shiro would trust him, because Keith always trusted him, more than anyone else, more than any other team member. But Keith is staying in the doorway silently and just looks at him with  
(pain)  
(Shiro hurts him)  
(Shiro hurts him agaim)  
(Shiro was always the one who hurts him)  
(does this prove that he is Shiro?)  
 _(can he prove that he is Shiro by that?)_  
fatigue.

***

Shiro has this glassy-eyed look. The glance of a man who is painted into a corner. Who painted him into a corner? Galra? Keith? Shiro himself?  
Keith doesn't want to think about it, he just doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to know what is Shiro thinking about when he is looking at him like this, but Keith can't look away and can't say a word, as if his lips are glued or as if Keith forgot how to talk  
(or forgot that he wanted to stop loving Shiro.)  
Shiro smiles at him weakly, as if there is nothing unusual and everything is fine and everything is right or will be fine and will be right. His smile is one big promise - a promise you can't help but trust, a promise that Keith can find his place  
 _(which is gone forever)_  
when he takes Shiro's hand  
 _(which is gone forever)_  
takes Shiro's hand  
when he takes Shiro's hand  
 _when Shiro puts his hand around his throat_  
when Shiro  
 _Shiro_  
 **"Operation Kuron stage three successful."**


End file.
